First of all, if you do not have real-life friends and feel ashamed about it, stop and think for a second. Acknowledge your feelings of shame and discomfort from not having real-life friends. The feelings are okay to have because they have arisen from your circumstances. Now, after having acknowledged these feelings, you can move forward by making friends.
To make new friends, you need a regular amount of unplanned interaction with people of a common cause/goal/interest. This is why people make friends with coworkers and classmates, and why going to a workshop or volunteering event is the best way to make friends. People are regularly scheduled to meet up without the pressure of interacting and also share a common goal or interest like studying, learning, or working.
Moreover, since there is no common cause or regular interaction at the bus stop, people should not talk to random people at the train station or at the bus to make friends.
Board games are also great because they offer the same benefits as meeting people in a workshop or volunteering event. And they are time-limited so people are unable to play for extended periods.
When people are not confident, they often put on a "mask" to make it easier to relate to others, and maybe make conversations run more smoothly. Too often when you are greeted with a "How are you doing?" or "How was your day?", you can easily put up a facade and say that "everything is fine," or give an "I am doing well" despite facing grief, sadness, stress, etc. But sadly, the relationship does not feel genuine or fulfilling because other people are relating to the mask rather you. This builds an insecurity that other people might actually prefer the mask over your true self, and causes you to be even more reliant on keeping it on. And the dissatisfaction from the relationship continues to grow deeper and deeper, but you are too scared to take the mask off because that would mean rejection.
And yet, if you truly desire a relationship between your true self and others, then you need to take off your mask. There is not need to "rip it off your face." Instead, take your time and slowly peel it away by opening up little by little of your true self. Some will walk away because of it, but other will stay. Anyone can wear mask, so when they show bits of their true self, you can be ready show that that you are willing to stay too.
During the pandemic and restrictions, people couldn't wait for the restrictions to end and life to return to normalcy. However, as restrictions slowly loosened, people were actually anxious about reintegrating. This conflict with the desire to socialize against the anxiety of socializing is what is called Reintegration Anxiety.
The problem is that the lack of social interaction left certain parts of the brain unused, and, therefore, weakened the brain ability to socialize. This often happens to those that often interact online, as they often have socialization abilities. Anxiety comes and builds up from uncertainty, and the social circuits in the brain are used to detect social cues and prevent the build up. With a dormant social circuit, people struggle to detect the social cues that reassure and alleviate our anxiety.
Some people feel like they have lost confidence because of being isolated. This "confidence" is actually positive reinforcement that was gained through emotional mirroring other people. The absence of the reinforcement and the reintegration anxiety manifests to a lack of subjective confidence.
The only way to turn them on again is to socialize with other people despite the anxiety. You will see that as you push on, the brain will activate those circuits again, and the anxiety will soon fade away. You could also be afraid that the anxiety will not go away but this is actually the anxious mind finding more things to be anxious about. Anxiety can be crippling and burdensome because you require a complete guarantee before you take your first step. So go and take the first step before you begin to question on whether it will work or not.
Internet friends are not the same as real-life friends, but they satisfy a similar desire. Internet friends can be as authentic, supportive, and validating as real friends. In fact, during the pandemic, many turned to online connections and communities to socialize and connect with others. And despite the negative impact that the pandemic caused for some people, robust online connections were resilient to the negative impacts, and people started to push more for online interactions. However, there are also major factors that are missing from online connections such as a lack of physical affection that real friends can provide.
Oxytocin is a neurotransmitter used to form emotional bonds with people. Physical affection such as hugging or cuddling causes oxytocin to release that makes people feel connected to each other. You can't create oxytocin artificially from yourself. This is the biggest downside of having internet friends.
For example, people that are on the internet more often can struggle with social anxiety because they do not have enough social interaction. As a result, when they talk to their online friends, certain parts of the brain are not activated through this interaction over the internet. Therefore, the parts of the brain that interpret body language remain inexperienced and people feel that the people they are interacting with are judging them, instead of being reassured by body language.
The relationships that we form through online gaming can be very authentic. The fact that the internet blinds you to the qualities of a person that would normally draw a lot of judgment from other people in real life, is fascinating.
On the internet, your race, socioeconomic status, attractiveness, and other such qualities are not immediately visible to another person. In contrast, the real world is incredibly judgemental. If you walk into a room with a fleece that has the Harvard logo on it, you will get the respect that you may not deserve simply because of the institution that you are affiliated with.
The real world can be racist, shallow and judgemental, whereas when you meet someone on the internet, they might tell you to go to hell because of the person that you are and not because of the color of your skin. Their anger is not blinded by race, ethnicity, or any other such quality.
Gender is an interesting exception because it can create a lot of bizarre and toxic mechanics online.
People on the internet judge their friendship with you based on what you say, how you act and how you play the game. In a sense, you are judged on a more authentic level than the color of your skin, your attractiveness, or what car you drive. On the internet, people tend to get valued for who they are instead of an attribute of their birth or their parents.
Relationships on the internet tend to be stronger than the relationships that you form in real life. That has everything to do with simple things such as geography. When you are in high school, college, or a workplace, you have a certain group of friends. This group of friends is a result of the environment that you are in at the time, and whenever you change that environment, that friend group changes as well.
For example, some of your friends from high school may go to college with you, but by the time you have finished college and are a working professional, those high school friends will be so distant to you that your relationship with them will have probably ended.
Online relationships are different because regardless of where you are in life, you can hang out with the same group of people over the internet. You can still play the same games together regardless of which school, college, or institution you are currently in. In that sense, online relationships tend to last longer and are more authentic compared to some real-life relationships.
As mentioned before, games and streams can rust your cognitive development in areas of the brain that get satisfaction from real life interactions and process social interactions. These can even push people to the point where they gain tremendous satisfaction from online interactions or more satisfaction than real life interactions. Although there is much debate on online relationships vs real life relationships, if you want to go back to real life relationships, then you need to recognize that it will take time, and effort to reintegrate.
Dr K has worked with similar situations working with people with marital problems due to pornography and masturbation. Patients would often struggle with death grip syndrome, and, as a result, the patients struggle to climax during sex because they have train their body to climax for a certain stimulation. Just like the people that gain relationship satisfaction through online connections, they need to acknowledge that it will take a lot of time to rewire neurons and acclimate back to normal.
To help the acclimation, you need to think about the person you want to become in the future. If you do not want to change or reintegrate, then you will struggle to fight the resistance you feel when reintegrating. Even if you have less fun with real life relationships initially, you are one step closer to becoming the person that values real life relationships.
In addition, notice these feelings come from stepping away from streams and games, and try to understand what is lost. A behavior is often reinforced because it does something for you, and these online interactions appear to providing something so special that it will be hard to move away. These feelings might even be similar to other feelings where you felt like you missed out, and where you learned that you should never miss out again.
The most important thing to understand about relationships is that as people change over time, so does the relationship. You should not try to preserve or hold on to a particular part of a relationship because it will probably change as a result of the change in the people involved.
The best thing to do is to be proactive and understand what is changing. Don't wait until problems arise — be proactive, and talk about what is working and what is not.
People commonly avoid dating till later on in their lives because they are concerned about their dating experience and ability. And it is understandable for them focus on self-improvement before entering a relationship. However, being "perfect" or "ready" is not the best time to be dating because no amount of self improvement can fully prepare you for dating than pairing your self-improvement with dating experience. So consider working on yourself while dating.
This is not to say that personal growth and confidence is not useful in relationships as well. You might have a large gap or even zero relationship experience compared to other people, but, within one year of both self-improvement and dating, you can be just as much experienced as your peers who have spent their entire life dating. More time preparing or more time dating does not mean you are better at dating. What makes you better at dating is dating experience with self reflection or intentional dating.
Relationships begin with attraction or spark of feelings for each other, but when you begin to intellectualize your feelings and bringing logic that attraction and those feelings will fade. Notice that your mind asks you a reason for your attraction and feelings, and prevents you from enjoying the fullness of your relationship. So instead of focusing on questioning the validity of your feelings and focus on the experience and feelings you have for the other person. Explore the different forms of attraction you experience, and different aspects of the relationship. By having a fuller experience of your emotions, you will have a better grasp of why you feel the way that you feel rather than using incomplete experience and logic to draw your conclusions.
When you talk to someone, it is not your job to spark interest, make the other person engage back, say the right thing, or make them like you or get them interested. It is about saying what you have to say, putting yourself out there, and showing people your true self.
You are like a street vendor who has a table of stuff that is laid out. Your job is to lay out the stuff on the table, and if they are interested, they’ll come over.
Trying to be an interesting, an attractive, or the "right" person will be mentally draining because you are trying to hide your true self and trying to be someone you are not. It will lead to more overthinking and ruin the fun of meeting people. Be who you are and be authentic. Most people find
Ask open-ended questions, followed by an investigative response, and then a little bit of sharing.
Follow a 2:1 question:answer ratio.
Example conversation when you’re interested in someone:
“What was 2020 like for you?”
“Oh, interesting. You got a cat! Cool!”
“Tell me about your cat.”
“Awesome! Yeah, I’m deathly allergic to cats but, now it’s tough because I clearly want to meet your cat, and I’m totally into you, so do I choose allergies or continuing to shoot my shot with you. I don’t know!”
Try to engage with them around topics that seem interesting to both people.
Get to know the other person because you should know more about the person you are supposedly interested in.
Make your intentions known early and flirt.
Avoid asking questions that make people put on the spot, such as asking about someone’s career, religion, etc can be boring or risky. Avoid yes or no questions. Avoid coming on too strong like “What do you think about love or marriage?”
If you’re really struggling, you can even go up to someone and say “For the last 10 minutes, I’ve been trying to think about how to strike up a conversation with you because I think you’re absolutely gorgeous, and I haven’t been able to come up with anything. Can you help me out?”
Be authentic! If they say “I appreciate the thought, but I’m really not interested.”, you can say “Okay, thanks for letting me know! I appreciate it. Enjoy the rest of your day/night” Respect people’s boundaries and ALWAYS ask for permission.
Even if you get rejected, you’ve made a world a slightly better place. You’ve made a person feel attractive or wanted by another human being. Don’t get too caught up in how its affecting you to notice the impact you have on the world.
There is no way to get rid of the pain and fear. However, there are ways you can manage those feelings. Usually, the fear and pain comes from having an expectation of what will happen when meeting people such as expecting yourself to say something embarrassing, or expecting a date. However, there are thousands of reasons to introduce yourself that do not relate to love. So instead creating the expectation that you need to do something specific or some outcome needs to happen, focus only appreciating and getting to know the other person. You will find a lot of people with a wealth of information and value in different areas. The love and relationship will come later.
During the honeymoon period, your hormones are outputting a lot of emotional energy into a relationship, and you begin to set unrealistic expectations in the relationship. So after the honeymoon period is over, you will experience the boredom and the negative parts of a relationship that you did not expect. It is common to set expectations based off of your past relationships or other people's relationships, but understand that you and your partner are unique people, and therefore every relationship you are in is unique. So, "realistic expectations" do not exist because expectations will always change depending on the relationship. In fact, expectations constantly change in the same relationship. Instead of keeping expectations realistic, keep expectations to where you are capable of creating what you want in the relationship. This will require communication because a relationship involves both parties collaborating with each other rather than one person doing all the work. So make sure you also discuss what to expect from each other with your partner. Sometimes the best part of a relationship is having unrealistic expectations and being able to fulfill them anyway.
Whether you do or do not something should not depend on someone’s feelings. You should not be responsible for controlling how someone feels. BUT this does not mean that you can be mean.
If things are not working out for you in the relationship, then you have a duty to let your partner know. Your duty also includes allowing your partner to be with someone that actually wants to be with them. Staying together can lead to passive-aggressive interactions and subtle resentment over time.
A lot of people live based on the imagined emotions of others. You do not know what the other person is experiencing. Yet, you imagine their reaction and their pain. You end up living a life based on your imagination of someone else’s reaction. Do not live your life based on this hypothetical feeling. Be honest with your partner and give them a chance to either solve problems or to make amends.
Usually healthy relationships have communication about a concern or problem prior to breaking up, so break ups should not be sprung on spontaneously. You can feel betrayed from break ups, but understand that people grow or change apart, and that is fine. Sometimes changes and growth means changing boundaries and needs, bring up concerns and communicate the changes to these needs and boundaries. Give your partner time to think, and converse together if it is possible to stay together despite the change. Conversations about breaking up or even divorce are common so definitely address those concerns with your partner to see if there can be compromise or growth.
One thing to keep in mind is that not everyone one is capable of, accustomed to, or prepared for communicating their needs and boundaries. Therefore, be cautious situations where a boundary or need will not be met. However, surprises can happen, even if you were with "the one." You can even
For some people, you may have in the past learned to put on your "armor" from past trauma, and your partner may have been the one to help you open up and take the armor off. And as a result, during these stressful times, breaking up can push you back into putting back on the armor to stop the hurt, which is perfectly fine. But you also need to know that you will eventually need to take it back off. It's a valid worry that taking off your armor later can lead to possible hurt again, but with time, however much it is for you, eventually you can can learn to take it off. Learning to take off your armor started with being aware of if being on. And the more you put on or take off the armor, the easier it is to put it on and take it off the next time.
For other people, find yourself trying to interact with your partner after the break up to seek comfort. However, going no contact, i.e. avoid initiating contact, appears to be a healthy means of coping with a break up. Going "no contact" does not mean to ignore all contact and conversation with your ex, but rather not initiating conversation with them. This is to prevent you from the danger of seeking comfort from your ex, while also conveying that you still care for the other person. It also gives you time to grieve and take care of yourself in whatever ways you can i.e. journaling, meditating or activities with friends.
Sometimes you may encounter mix signals after the break up because relationships exists on a spectrum of love and hate rather than absolutes. For a relationship to exist, usually a majority love over hate. And a break up is a majority on the dislike but they still have the feelings and the care for you. So understand that these could be both feelings of love and hate being expressed, and that you should stay grounded in your no initiating contact decision and your self care practices.
The friendzone starts with a lack of confidence. If you are interested in another person and you are afraid that they might reject you if you ask them out, then you will most likely exhibit some kind of avoidant behavior. You will not put yourself out there and ask them out.
While online relationships are very authentic, they also shape what gamers become comfortable with. Gamers are not used to being judged for the color of their skin, how much money they have, or their attractiveness. Therefore, when they start to move out into the real world, they feel exposed based on those qualities.
They feel like they get judged very easily, and that can be very problematic for them. When people who do not have many online friends move into a public area and are subject to the scrutinization and judgment that occurs in the real world, they feel used to it. Since gamers spend so much time online, that scrutiny starts to become very uncomfortable for them. They start to lose confidence in themself as a person. The more time they spend behind a computer screen, the harder it becomes for them to be confident in the real world.
They find it difficult to approach a person when they find them attractive. All their deficiencies start to get highlighted in their mind and they do not feel confident. They think that the person will reject them if they try to ask them out, so they try to get them to like them more, hoping that it will increase their chances of the person saying yes when they do ask them out.
Gamers start out being friendly and start to offer things. They give their crush a ride when they needs one, they tutor, and they generally try to cater to their crush's needs. They start to be a "nice person". All the time, in their mind, these actions are for the goal of getting their crush to like them. They start to invest in the relationship with the hope that they are going to get something out of it.
The kindness has this ulterior motive (which they can see if they are honest with themselves) of getting something in return. When their crush starts to date another person, they start to resent their date. However, they listen to their problems and are there to provide emotional support.
At some point, all the sacrifices that they have made for their crush, and all the investment that they have made into this relationship start to build up. Eventually, the gamer asks out their crush. When their crush inevitably rejects them, for the reason that their thinks of the gamer as a friend, that angers the gamer to no end. They have been friend-zoned and they hate that.
They become resentful because they never wanted to be friend-zoned. They invested so much into the relationship because they were afraid that their crush was going to turn them down at the beginning. When that investment yields no returns, it is so much more painful because of it. This causes gamers to be hurt and shatters their self-confidence. They become very resentful towards the gender they got rejected by and cause a lot of the toxicity that we see online.
The worst part is that when it happens once, it hurts their self-confidence, which prevents them from asking out the next person they find themselves attracted to, and the pattern repeats itself. The second time, gamers invest even more, because they feel like they need to to get their crush to say yes.
Their crush thinks of them as a friend, because they have not made it clear to them that they want to ask them out. They end up being the "nice person" because they want their crush to see their value. However, being a nice person does not entitle them to anything, but they feel that it does.
Giving something in order to get something in return is dangerous. That is because when that relationship ends poorly, you will resent the person for it. If you are doing something out of the kindness of your heart, that is fine. However, you should not be expecting something in return.
Be honest about the way you feel towards another person, and be honest with them. If they reject you, that is okay. But the chances of them magically liking you if you invest in the relationship, are very small.
It is painful to think about, but see if you fall into that pattern. Are you someone who gives in order to get? Has that got anything to do with confidence? If it does, the solution is not to give more — the solution is to work on your confidence.
If you’re interested in meeting women, one of the most common pieces of advice is that you should just focus on yourself and the women will come. That is a good attitude. However, there needs to be a balance between focusing on yourself and actively seeking out a relationship.
The advice that you should focus on yourself is primarily for guys who focus too much on finding a relationship. They start to invest their time in one particular person.
Eventually, they get frustrated and go on their internet or to their friends for advice. Someone eventually tells them that they spend too much time on women and that they need to spend more time on themselves. They start to do that; they start to go to the gym, eat healthier, develop hobbies and as a result, start to become a more well-rounded individual.
This is where the conundrum comes in — whether one should spend time on themselves, or whether they should spend their time trying to find a relationship. The answer is that it has to be a little bit of both.
Investing in a particular relationship with the hope that she is going to fall in love with you is usually a mistake. Additionally, waiting for the right person to just come along is not a viable strategy either.
If you find a person that you like, you should be authentic with them. People find inauthentic behavior creepy.i.e when you try to be someone you are not.
If you want to ask someone out, just walk up to them and say: “Hey, how are things going? I have enjoyed being in the same class as you for the last couple of weeks and I would like to get to know you better. Are you interested in grabbing dinner sometime?”
That’s it. Just talk to them like they’re normal human beings.
Flirting too much is how you become a creep. You just need a little bit of flirtatiousness and a lot of authenticity.
You should focus on yourself most of the time, but if you find yourself at an event with a person you find attractive, you should ask them out. They might reject you, but you know that they are going to feel amazing that you asked them out, and you should feel good for making them feel that way.
Chances are that 50-60% of women are in relationships or not looking to date, in which case there is a decent chance that they are going to say no. But when you ask someone out, you should watch their face and observe their response to your question. See if you made them feel good by asking them out. This is important because if you come across as a creep, then chances are that they are not going to feel good from you asking them out.
Who is this for:
Attachment Theory theorizes that there are four types of attachment that is socialized by parent emotional mirroring and support. As a result, these socialized attachment types are often carried with people even to their relationships and can result in the symptoms mentioned above. The attachment theory was created by John Bowlby who designed an experiment where a mom and child are in a room, mom leave, stranger comes in, and mom comes in later. Four reactions were observed from the child after the mom comes back in, and therefore there may be 4 types of attachment.
Anxious-ambivalent and anxious-avoidant attachment types are often due to a certain upbringings with poor emotional mirroring. When children are first developing and growing, they actually learn to react emotionally based off of other peoples reactions. For example, when a toddler trips and falls they look around after getting to look for feedback. If people freak out, then the baby cries. If people laugh, the baby laughs as well. As a result, upbringings where the children is upset or hurt and the parent does not give care, the child will either become anxious-ambivalent or anxious-avoidant because they do not have any emotion to mirror from their parents.
People learn to have anxious-avoidant attachment when they are raised with little to no responses of care/affection when they are in need.
People learn to have anxious-ambivalent attachment when they are raised with inconsistent care/affection when they are in need.
What do we do? First, understand that you were in the early stages in your life, it is not your fault for having your attachment type. Then remember that your early attachment style is determined by socialization i.e. parental influence. But as you grow up, early socialization influences less and interpersonal environments begin to influence more.
"Foundations are not fate." - Dr K
Emotional correction is not the solution to changing your attachment style because you have already tried that through emotional distancing and suppression. Instead of trying to figure out your emotions by yourself, fulfill the emotional mirroring that was neglected in the past by bringing awareness, acknowledgement, and affirmation to your emotional needs from other people. You do not even need your emotional needs to be met; you only need a space to bring them out and have someone mirror it back. By shaping your interpersonal environment, you are able change the trajectory of your attachment type.
First of all, understand what you really feel about this person, because its possible to be really good friends with someone and not be physically attracted to them, but not have a romantic component. We see that in platonic relationships all the time. Check if you are actually in love with this person.
Have a conversation with them. Say, “Hey, I care about you a lot as a friend and I find myself being attracted to you as well. Maybe there’s a chance for a relationship here, but at the same time, I also value your friendship and I don’t want to risk that.” Then follow that up with an open-ended question: “What do you think about that?”
Enroll them in your decision-making process, because we run into trouble in relationships when one person makes all the decisions. A solid foundation for a relationship is communication. Sit down and talk about whether you want to try the relationship or not. Recognize that you might be afraid of rejection, and notice that.
Sometimes we have these experiences in life that hurt. They can be very dehumanizing. At the same time, we may look at other people and see them being treated with value. That difference in treatment hurts so much that our mind has to come up with a reason for why people have treated us that way.
The idea that we’re not worth it is so painful in and of itself that we have to rationalize, justify, or excuse the behavior of the person who wronged us. By giving that other person an excuse, we protect our own sense of value. However, that becomes maladaptive very quickly.
Eventualy, we start giving people excuses for mistreating us, because if we give them an excuse. We start to create these solutions where we protect ourselves from what other people do to us by giving them an excuse. That is dangerous, because at the end of the day nobody is doing anything wrong, and you are still getting hurt.
If you’re getting hurt, and nobody is to blame, then what do you do with that?
That’s when you end up stuck interpersonally with other people. It leads to trust issues and propagates unhealthy relationships because you’re not willing to blame the people who are responsible. Moreover, when you give them that excuse, you take away the capacity to forgive. You take away the capacity to move on from yourself, because if they didn’t do anything wrong, then what can you forgive?
You get stuck in this limbo where there is pain that you sort of defend against, but you hold nobody responsible. Therefore, you cannot forgive them because they did not do anything wrong. As a result, you end up stuck.
This especially happens with people in your life that you love because the more that you love them, the harder it is to accept that they did something hurtful to you. That hurts way more. The more you love them, the more you make excuses for them, the more it isn’t their fault. And if it isn’t their fault, then there is no need to forgive.
Except… they did hurt you, and you did get hurt. Another week goes by and they do it again. Overtime your hurt builds up.
It’s devastating because part of the reason you get stuck is that you cannot forgive. The solution is to accept and forgive, but you cannot do that as long as you deny that there is a problem. The reason you deny that there is a problem is that it hurts to admit that there is a problem.
In a bizarre way, if you want to start moving forward and forgive people, you have to start with blame. Start by holding other people responsible for what they do. Start by holding yourself responsible for what you do.
Then comes the hard part, because we’re actually really good at holding ourselves responsible and beating ourselves up. So when it comes to yourself, you need to do that second piece i.e forgive.
Assign responsibility, accept it, forgive, and that’s when you can be free. That’s when your relationships can get better. But you have to start by calling it what it is.
The things that we do to protect ourselves from hurt are the things that sign us up for more hurt down the line.
Narcissitic parents are not the same as entitled parents, and too often confused for one another. Narcissists have a fragile internal sense of self and therefore need to maintain an outwardly sense of self to make them feel better. Entitled parents on the other hand focus more on control and parental privilege, which infringes on boundaries, autonomy and freedom. However, parents become entitled parents because they were parented in a similar fashion, only knew the entitled parenting system, and never questioned their parenting. So instead of operating based on logic or reason, they gravitate towards creating control and obedience. Understand that your parents are not morally deficient, but rather they are ignorant of how their parental style is negatively affecting you.
You need to acknowledge that you will try to argue, avoid arguing with them, and understand their parenting system. As mentioned before, your parents do not care about logic and reasoning, so arguing will only lead to more arguments, more anger and more communication hurdles. Instead try to understand and get them to acknowledge parenting style by asking them what they think about it and their understanding of your family dynamic. Also you need to keep it to their own point of view, because you are only trying to understand their point of view so do not interject with your own beliefs.
These are some questions you should ask to help your parents to acknowledge and question their parenting:
Questioning and understanding will give you the opportunity to bring up how their parenting will not make you meet those expectations, and set your boundaries for the relationship. This will make them feel like you are punishing them or being retributive, and will consistently attempt to convince and pressure you into removing your boundaries. So do not display your anger, do not try to explain your reasoning, and do not take drastic action.
4) Ask them what they think you said or what they heard
5) Ask them about the purpose of them convincing you because they can focus on their need to respect your boundaries
6) Ask them if they would like to hear your perspective
You want them to see their unreasonable expectations, their emotional response, and their desire to remove your boundaries. Since they will repeat the same thing to convince you to remove your boundaries, you can also refocus by repeating the questions above, and invite them to understand you.
This process will be extremely difficult to endure because your parents will not say what you want them to say and it will bring up a lot of disappoint and other emotions. It is also hard to recognize that your parents have power over you. But by accepting the disappointment you will experience and the power they hold over you, you will able to focus on attempting fix your relationship with your parents rather than how painful the relationship is. Thankfully, you have the power of memory to help you explain why feel the way you feel when they ask to understand, and you have the power of time to gradually gain independence.
***THIS IS A SCRIPT and you would need years of experience to conduct this discussion successfully. Be patient with yourself and work on these things slowly.***
Parent: "I only see you during Christmas? Why?"
You: "What is your understanding of why I come once a year"
Parent: "You don't love me"
You: "This is all about you, but have you thought about me?"
Parent: "Tell me what to do?"
You: "Well, think about what my needs are?"
Sometimes life gives you a negative family environment, and you will try your best to make some semblance of connection or communication because that is your dharma as a child to a parent. It is a normal and natural desire the appreciation and respect from people, especially from parents. However, people will try too hard to control the relationship they have with their parents. When doing your dharma or duty as child to your parents, it means doing the best that you can, and if it is pushed away, then you move on.
There is a saying that goes "A doctor that goes the extra mile for a patient has gone a mile too far" This is because this takes away the responsibility from the patient and puts on more strain on the doctor, and, in terms of a child-parent relationship, takes away the responsibility from the parent and puts more strain on yourself. There is no need to constantly put effort and give second chances because having a bad childhood was not your choice. Therefore, trying to control the relationship in the present does not change the past you had. You can not control the pain from the past, and there are days you give in to your hatred. But be forgiving to not only them but also yourself because no matter how many times you have lost, you still have a chance today. You can only focus on your present actions at hopes that they would change your present circumstance, which is also known as Karma. It is valid to either try to live in hatred and forget the pain or move on and try to take care of yourself. However, one sows seeds for a possibly better future.
Instead of immediately running away from your parents, you should make a solid effort to reach out, and do nothing more. Sometimes parents will try to ask for forgiveness, even after you choose to withdrawal yourself, and it is within your right to forgive or not forgive them because you gave them many chances before.
Most suffering comes from the expectations that people set for themselves. These expectations are based on emotions such as guilt, shame, and fear, which prevent people from thinking clearly. Yet, even though they understand this, people do not question the conclusions they arrive at using those emotions.
For example, people have moral compasses that tell them what to do, but emotions such as guilt, shame, and fear cloud their judgment.
If something happens to a family or friend, people expect that it is their responsibility to make sure that their loved one feels better. However, this is incorrect, because they have not considered whether they are the best person to aid their loved one. It is their guilt of not helping that has clouded their judgment.
One of the most difficult things for people to realize is that they are not always the best person to help out their loved ones. Although it is hard to hear, love is never enough. You can love someone as much as you want to but that does not mean that you can help them.
When Dr. K works with patients who have addictions, teaching this to the parents is the hardest thing to do. The parents who end up doing well are the ones that realize that their love is not the solution. There are resources, circumstances, and choices to consider, and the patient has to take responsibility for their own wellness.
Do not burn out because of love. Take care of yourself, so that you can take better care of other people around you.
If you are trying to save someone from drowning, it’s easy on the shallow end, but if you are in the deep end, it’s much harder, so first establish a solid foundation.
Although you may not see the effects of your support and love, that does not mean that it does not have any effect. Just because someone you love refused your suggestion does not mean you cannot help them. The most important thing to do in order to help someone is to have them know that you care, love, and support them. Your suggestions are a demonstration of care and love already.
What works even better instead of suggesting something, is asking them what the best way you can help them is.
“I know that X is hard, how can I support you? What can I do to help?” Suggestions can immediately lead to a “no” response, but an open-ended question can lead you and them to better alternatives.
Being an incel, which is more prevalent or vocally mentioned amongst men, usually entails sharing and holding 4 experiences/or beliefs.
Being an incel is actually a belief system where they had an adverse experience or a missed milestone. And because of that, they search for communities that validate, understand, and accepts them despite feeling subhuman. These communities reinforced that idea that the experience and missed milestone is a shared experience among many, which changes the perspective of the world, This also converts their personal experience to a universal truth. Finally, to no fault of their own, they are pushed by their environment to radicalized beliefs.
"Curing" or "moving on from" being an incel does not begin with than outward change because the core feeling of being subhuman will color your perception of your interactions with people and can even affect how you engage in that interaction. It is common belief amongst incels that finding a partner will cure themselves of being subhuman and an incel. However, this attempt at outward change does not work because they can find partners, and still feel like they are incels. Curing comes being an incel begins with inward change and the core of being an incel is low self esteem. Being an incel involves taking taking on your beliefs that you are subhuman for your adverse experience or your missed milestone, and it is also within your power to not let it affect you. It is hard work and challenging to work on your self esteem. The low self esteem often starts in the early childhood stages in your life where you felt subhuman, and as you grew up it takes on a different clothing. Forget about being an incel, forget about relationships, and focus on what has contributed on lowering your self esteem.