First of all, if you do not have real-life friends and feel ashamed about it, stop and think for a second. Acknowledge your feelings of shame and discomfort from not having real-life friends. The feelings are okay to have because they have arisen from your circumstances. Now, after having acknowledged these feelings, you can move forward by making friends.
To make new friends, you need a regular amount of unplanned interaction with people of a common cause/goal/interest. This is why people make friends with coworkers and classmates, and why going to a workshop or volunteering event is the best way to make friends. People are regularly scheduled to meet up without the pressure of interacting and also share a common goal or interest like studying, learning, or working.
Moreover, since there is no common cause or regular interaction at the bus stop, people should not talk to random people at the train station or at the bus to make friends.
Board games are also great because they offer the same benefits as meeting people in a workshop or volunteering event. And they are time-limited so people are unable to play for extended periods.
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When you are not confident, you can often put on a "mask" to make it easier to relate to other people and make conversations go smoothly. For example, when people are greeted with a "How are you doing?" or "How was your day?" while we are facing grief, sadness, stress, fear, or anything emotionally challenging, it is easy to put up a facade and say that "everything is fine," or give an "I am doing well." But as a result, relationships do not feel genuine or fulfilling because people relate to your mask rather than your "true self." It could even feel like they prefer your mask over your true self because, when you have shown the mask, they have repeatedly related to the mask, while you have no evidence that they would connect with your true self.
The mask feeds on your insecurity, making you more reliant on the mask and more insecure. And at the same time, you will feel emptier as you long for the connection to your true self but are too scared to risk the relationship created by the mask. There is vulnerablity and a chance of rejection when you take the mask off. And yet, if you truly desire that connection, you need to take your mask off despite all of it. You do not have to "rip it off your face." Instead, take your time and slowly peel it away. Keep the mask on and show little bits of yourself. Some will walk away because of you, but other will stay. Remember that other people can wear masks as well, so when they show bits of their true self, you can be ready show that that you are willing to stay.
During the pandemic and restricitions, people couldn't wait for the lockdown to end and life to return to normalacy. However, as restrictions slowly loosened, people were actually anxious about reintegrating. This conflict with the desire to socialize against the anxiety of socializing is what is called Reintegration Anxiety.
What is occuring is that when the brain is not using certain parts then our skill deceasres in those areas.
For example, when we look at the brains of people that are used to interact online often, we see that they have dormant social circuits
These circuits are used to detect social cues to reassure us during social interactions so that our anxiety does not build up
anxiety is comes from uncertainty and the bigger the uncertainty the the bigger the anxiety
With a dormant social circuit, we struggle to detect the social cues that reassure and aleve our anxiety.
This is partially why people are scared of reintegrating
TL;DR we are out of practice in our social circuits and the only why to turn them on again is to socialize with other people and it will not be an enjoyable experience.
if you push on, the brain will activiate those circuits again, and the anxiety from socializing will soon fade away. Remember that other people are anxious as well, and you can bring up that you are all anxious about it but happy to be together again.
Some people feel like they have lost confidence because of being isolated. This confidence often comes from emotional mirroring from the outside world, and since people are not around to mirror, people have not gotten that positivie reinforcement to be confident. The absence of the reinforcement and the reintegration anxiety manifests to a lack of subjective confidence.
What if the anxiety doesnt go away and doesnt get better? This question is the nature of anxiety, which is to keep finding things to be anxious about. Anxiety can be crippling and burdensome because you require a complete guarantee before you take your first step. So go and take the first step before you begin to question on whether it will work or not.
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Internet friends are not the same as real-life friends, but they satisfy a similar desire. Internet friends can be as authentic, supportive, and validating as real friends, but there is no way to show physical affection like real friends.
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According to some statistics depression and anxiety was 3x worse during covid.
People actually turned to online communities to socialize and to connect with people. In fact, robust online connections were resilient to the negative impacts of covid, and there was a push to more online interactions. Scientist also say that social media is negative towards mental health.
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Oxytocin is a neurotransmitter used to form emotional bonds with people. Physical affection such as hugging or cuddling causes oxytocin to release that makes people feel connected to each other. You can't create oxytocin artificially from yourself. This is the biggest downside of having internet friends.
For example, people that are on the internet more often can struggle with social anxiety because they do not have enough social interaction. As a result, when they talk to their online friends, certain parts of the brain are not activated through this interaction over the internet. Therefore, the parts of the brain that interpret body language remain inexperienced and people feel that the people they are interacting with are judging them, instead of being reassured by body language.
The relationships that we form through online gaming can be very authentic. The fact that the internet blinds you to the qualities of a person that would normally draw a lot of judgment from other people in real life, is fascinating.
On the internet, your race, socioeconomic status, attractiveness, and other such qualities are not immediately visible to another person. In contrast, the real world is incredibly judgemental. If you walk into a room with a fleece that has the Harvard logo on it, you will get the respect that you may not deserve simply because of the institution that you are affiliated with.
The real world can be racist, shallow and judgemental, whereas when you meet someone on the internet, they might tell you to go to hell because of the person that you are and not because of the color of your skin. Their anger is not blinded by race, ethnicity, or any other such quality.
Gender is an interesting exception because it can create a lot of bizarre and toxic mechanics online.
People on the internet judge their friendship with you based on what you say, how you act and how you play the game. In a sense, you are judged on a more authentic level than the color of your skin, your attractiveness, or what car you drive. On the internet, people tend to get valued for who they are instead of an attribute of their birth or their parents.
Relationships on the internet tend to be stronger than the relationships that you form in real life. That has everything to do with simple things such as geography. When you are in high school, college, or a workplace, you have a certain group of friends. This group of friends is a result of the environment that you are in at the time, and whenever you change that environment, that friend group changes as well.
For example, some of your friends from high school may go to college with you, but by the time you have finished college and are a working professional, those high school friends will be so distant to you that your relationship with them will have probably ended.
Online relationships are different because regardless of where you are in life, you can hang out with the same group of people over the internet. You can still play the same games together regardless of which school, college, or institution you are currently in. In that sense, online relationships tend to last longer and are more authentic compared to some real-life relationships.
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Games and Streams can rust your cognitive development in certain areas that get satisfaction from real life interactions and process social interactions. People can get to the point where be begin to gain real satisfaction from online interactions, and even derive more satisfaction than real life interactions. Although there is much debate on online relationships vs real life relationships, if you want to go back to real life relationshjips you need to recognize that it will take time to reintegrate and take steps forward toward the life you want to live. Think about your dharma and ask yourself what you are working towards.
For example, when Dr K was working with people with marital problems due to pornography and masturbation,
he would find patients with death grip syndrome, where the patient masterbates so much they struggle to climax during sex because they have train their body to climax in a certain stimulation
And while helping his patients, they need to acknoweledge that it will take a lot of time to and rewire neurons and acclimate back to normal.
To help the acclimation, ask who you want to be tomorrow? Not what you want to do.
Stepping away from online interactions means that you will have less fun but you are one step closer to becoming the person that values real life relationships
Or you can have a ton of fun watching Twitch or Youtube Streams, and having online interactions playing games, but you are one step closer to becoming someone that feels connection through parasocial and online relationships.
And when you take steps toward leaving the online world for a real life interaction, you will struggle and suffer because you are missing your aclimated onlien interaction. So notice this feeling and try to understand who you lose when you miss a stream or game. Look for when you have missed out on something before, and maybe in your younger life, you missed out so much that you learned to never miss out again. What does the online interaction fulfill?
A behavior is reinforced because it does something for you, do not tell yourself "you are missing nothing, so just stop getting online interactions" Acknowledge that online interactions are providing something special that you need and it will be hard to move away from online interactiosn because it fullfills that need.
How did you learn that online interactions are something you do not want to miss out on? How did you learn that online interactions fulfilled a need.
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The most important thing to understand about relationships is that as people change over time, so does the relationship. You should not try to preserve or hold on to a particular part of a relationship because it will probably change as a result of the change in the people involved.
The best thing to do is to be proactive and understand what is changing. Don't wait until problems arise — be proactive, and talk about what is working and what is not.
People commonly avoid dating till later on in their lives because they are concerned about their dating experience and ability. And it is understandable for them focus on self-improvement before entering a relationship. However, being "perfect" or "ready" is not the best time to be dating because no amount of self improvement can fully prepare you for dating than pairing your self-improvement with dating experience. So consider working on yourself while dating.
This is not to say that personal growth and confidence is not useful in relationships as well. You might have a large gap or even zero relationship experience compared to other people, but, within one year of both self-improvement and dating, you can be just as much experienced as your peers who have spent their entire life dating. More time preparing or more time dating does not mean you are better at dating. What makes you better at dating is dating experience with self reflection or intentional dating.
Relationships begin with attraction or spark of feelings for each other, but when you begin to intellectualize your feelings and bringing logic that attraction and those feelings will fade. Notice that your mind asks you a reason for your attraction and feelings, and prevents you from enjoying the fullness of your relationship. So instead of focusing on questioning the validity of your feelings and focus on the experience and feelings you have for the other person. Explore the different forms of attraction you experience, and different aspects of the relationship. By having a fuller experience of your emotions, you will have a better grasp of why you feel the way that you feel rather than using incomplete experience and logic to draw your conclusions.
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When you talk to someone, it is not your job to spark interest, make the other person engage back, say the right thing, or make them like you or get them interested. It is about saying what you have to say, putting yourself out there, and showing people your true self.
You are like a street vendor who has a table of stuff that is laid out. Your job is to lay out the stuff on the table, and if they are interested, they’ll come over.
Trying to be an interesting, an attractive, or the "right" person will be mentally draining because you are trying to hide your true self and trying to be someone you are not. It will lead to more overthinking and ruin the fun of meeting people. Be who you are and be authentic. Most people find
that attractive.
Ask open-ended questions, followed by an investigative response, and then a little bit of sharing.
Follow a 2:1 question:answer ratio.
Example conversation when you’re interested in someone:
“What was 2020 like for you?”
their response
“Oh, interesting. You got a cat! Cool!”
their response
“Tell me about your cat.”
their response
“Awesome! Yeah, I’m deathly allergic to cats but, now it’s tough because I clearly want to meet your cat, and I’m totally into you, so do I choose allergies or continuing to shoot my shot with you. I don’t know!”
Try to engage with them around topics that seem interesting to both people.
Get to know the other person because you should know more about the person you are supposedly interested in.
Make your intentions known early and flirt.
Avoid asking questions that make people put on the spot, such as asking about someone’s career, religion, etc can be boring or risky. Avoid yes or no questions. Avoid coming on too strong like “What do you think about love or marriage?”
If you’re really struggling, you can even go up to someone and say “For the last 10 minutes, i’ve been trying to think about how to strike up a conversation with you because I think you’re absolutely gorgeous, and I haven’t been able to come up with anything. Can you help me out?”
Be authentic! If they say “I appreciate the thought, but I’m really not interested.”, you can say “Okay, thanks for letting me know! I appreciate it. Enjoy the rest of your day/night” Respect people’s boundaries and ALWAYS ask for permission.
Even if you get rejected, you’ve made a world a slightly better place. You’ve made a person feel attractive or wanted by another human being. Don’t get too caught up in how its affecting you to notice the impact you have on the world.
There is no way to get rid of the pain and fear of rejection and meeting people.
However, there are things you can do that you can do to help you manage that pain and fear when engage with other people.
Let go of the expectation that something has to come out the interation
because this expectaion creates the fear of screwing up
there are thousands of reasons to introduce yourself and just introduce and meet people just to meet people. do not do it for love, do it because you appreciate human beings
the love will come later on
there are a lot of humans out there and they are a source of wealth in so many different areas
there is always someone awesome in some way
keep meeting people and growing and working on yourself
if all that there is is fear and embarrassment, then that is the only emotion you are feeling
but if you are also feeling excitement and confidence and joy is there too, the fear and embarrassment will not be the only one of many other things
make more emotions other than panic and fear
eventually you will be able to overcome those emotions and it will not just be panic and fear
it will not be the only overwhelming thing
You shouldn't try to "keep expectations realistic." Instead, you should keep expectations to where you are capable of creating what you want in the relationship.
Expectation is based on everything outside of you
know that you are a unique person and your partner is a unique person the the relationship you have together is unique so there should not be expectations
then discussing with your partner on what to expect from each other
communication is the most important because a relationship involves both parties collaborating with each other rather than one person doing all the work
honeymoon period is when hormones are outputting a lot of emotions
post honeymoon period is working with the boring and terrible parts of a relationship
set your own expectations and your own standards of love
you are the one that writes the rules of love
the best part of a relationship is having unrealistic expectations and managing to fulfill them anyway
Whether you do or do not something should not depend on someone’s feelings. You should not be responsible for controlling how someone feels. BUT this does not mean that you can be mean.
If things are not working out for you in the relationship, then you have a duty to let your partner know. Your duty also includes allowing your partner to be with someone that actually wants to be with them. Staying together can lead to passive-aggressive interactions and subtle resentment over time.
A lot of people live based on the imagined emotions of others. You do not know what the other person is experiencing. Yet, you imagine their reaction and their pain. You end up living a life based on your imagination of someone else’s reaction. Do not live your life based on this hypothetical feeling. Be honest with your partner and give them a chance to either solve problems or to make amends.
Usually healthy relationships have communication about a concern or problem prior to breaking up. Break ups should not be sprung on spontaneously
Sometimes we are surprised by break ups when they occur, and when we find "the one," we learn to take the armor off. And when we deal with a stressful and traumatic experience we regress and go back to what we know and put back on our armor. Putting back on the armor is fine as long as you know that you will eventually need to take it back off. And the more experience we have taking off or putting on the armor, the easier it is to put it on and off. every time you take it off, there is a chance to be hurt and will it suck yes, but the skill is to learn how to practice taking it on and off. its a valid worry to be hurt again, but with time, however much it is for you, it will not be on forever. As long as you are aware of being on, you can learn to take it off
You can feel betrayed from break ups but understand that people grow and change, and it's possible and okay to grow apart. Sometimes changes and growth means that boundaries and needs change. So it is fine to bring up concerns and communicate the changes to these needs and boundaries.
Not everyone one is capable of, accustomed to, or prepared for communicating their needs and boundaries, so if there is difficult opening up these feelings, then be cautious because there might be a situation where a boundary or need will not be met
careful about interaction after a break up and be aware of the relationship being maintained vs what is agreed upon. going no contact, ie avoid initiating contact, appears to be a healthy means of going about a break up
When we grow up with a void in emotion, we sometimes try to solve that emotional void through our romantic relationships and try to change things in the relationship as if they were the ones that put us in the emotional void. these do poorly, because we are trying to fix the past with a different person and relationship
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The friendzone starts with a lack of confidence. If you are interested in another person and you are afraid that they might reject you if you ask them out, then you will most likely exhibit some kind of avoidant behavior. You will not put yourself out there and ask them out.
While online relationships are very authentic, they also shape what gamers become comfortable with. Gamers are not used to being judged for the color of their skin, how much money they have, or their attractiveness. Therefore, when they start to move out into the real world, they feel exposed based on those qualities.
They feel like they get judged very easily, and that can be very problematic for them. When people who do not have many online friends move into a public area and are subject to the scrutinization and judgment that occurs in the real world, they feel used to it. Since gamers spend so much time online, that scrutiny starts to become very uncomfortable for them. They start to lose confidence in themself as a person. The more time they spend behind a computer screen, the harder it becomes for them to be confident in the real world.
They find it difficult to approach a person when they find them attractive. All their deficiencies start to get highlighted in their mind and they do not feel confident. They think that the person will reject them if they try to ask them out, so they try to get them to like them more, hoping that it will increase their chances of the person saying yes when they do ask them out.
Gamers start out being friendly and start to offer things. They give their crush a ride when they needs one, they tutor, and they generally try to cater to their crush's needs. They start to be a "nice person". All the time, in their mind, these actions are for the goal of getting their crush to like them. They start to invest in the relationship with the hope that they are going to get something out of it.
The kindness has this ulterior motive (which they can see if they are honest with themselves) of getting something in return. When their crush starts to date another person, they start to resent their date. However, they listen to their problems and are there to provide emotional support.
At some point, all the sacrifices that they have made for their crush, and all the investment that they have made into this relationship start to build up. Eventually, the gamer asks out their crush. When their crush inevitably rejects them, for the reason that their thinks of the gamer as a friend, that angers the gamer to no end. They have been friend-zoned and they hate that.
They become resentful because they never wanted to be friend-zoned. They invested so much into the relationship because they were afraid that their crush was going to turn them down at the beginning. When that investment yields no returns, it is so much more painful because of it. This causes gamers to be hurt and shatters their self-confidence. They become very resentful towards the gender they got rejected by and cause a lot of the toxicity that we see online.
The worst part is that when it happens once, it hurts their self-confidence, which prevents them from asking out the next person they find themselves attracted to, and the pattern repeats itself. The second time, gamers invest even more, because they feel like they need to to get their crush to say yes.
Their crush thinks of them as a friend, because they have not made it clear to them that they want to ask them out. They end up being the "nice person" because they want their crush to see their value. However, being a nice person does not entitle them to anything, but they feel that it does.
Giving something in order to get something in return is dangerous. That is because when that relationship ends poorly, you will resent the person for it. If you are doing something out of the kindness of your heart, that is fine. However, you should not be expecting something in return.
Be honest about the way you feel towards another person, and be honest with them. If they reject you, that is okay. But the chances of them magically liking you if you invest in the relationship, are very small.
It is painful to think about, but see if you fall into that pattern. Are you someone who gives in order to get? Has that got anything to do with confidence? If it does, the solution is not to give more — the solution is to work on your confidence.
If you’re interested in meeting women, one of the most common pieces of advice is that you should just focus on yourself and the women will come. That is a good attitude. However, there needs to be a balance between focusing on yourself and actively seeking out a relationship.
The advice that you should focus on yourself is primarily for guys who focus too much on finding a relationship. They start to invest their time in one particular person.
Eventually, they get frustrated and go on their internet or to their friends for advice. Someone eventually tells them that they spend too much time on women and that they need to spend more time on themselves. They start to do that; they start to go to the gym, eat healthier, develop hobbies and as a result, start to become a more well-rounded individual.
This is where the conundrum comes in — whether one should spend time on themselves, or whether they should spend their time trying to find a relationship. The answer is that it has to be a little bit of both.
Investing in a particular relationship with the hope that she is going to fall in love with you is usually a mistake. Additionally, waiting for the right person to just come along is not a viable strategy either.
If you find a person that you like, you should be authentic with them. People find inauthentic behaviour creepy.i.e when you try to be someone you are not.
If you want to ask someone out, just walk up to them and say: “Hey, how are things going? I have enjoyed being in the same class as you for the last couple of weeks and I would like to get to know you better. Are you interested in grabbing dinner sometime?”
That’s it. Just talk to them like they’re normal human beings.
Flirting too much is how you become a creep. You just need a little bit of flirtatiousness and a lot of authenticity.
You should focus on yourself most of the time, but if you find yourself at an event with a person you find attractive, you should ask them out. They might reject you, but you know that they are going to feel amazing that you asked them out, and you should feel good for making them feel that way.
Chances are that 50-60% of women are in relationships or not looking to date, in which case there is a decent chance that they are going to say no. But when you ask someone out, you should watch their face and observe their response to your question. See if you made them feel good by asking them out. This is important because if you come across as a creep, then chances are that they are not going to feel good from you asking them out.
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Who is this for:
Attachment Theory theorizes that there are 4 types of attachment that correlate to different reactions to separation. John Bowlby designed the strange situation experiment where a mom and child are in a room, mom leave, stranger comes in, and mom comes in later. 4 reactions were observed and therefore there may be 4 types of different types of attachment. The child cries in all tests however when the mother returns they have a different reaction.
Emotional mirroring is when children learn to react emotionally based off of other peoples reactions.
ex of emotional mirroring: when a toddler trips and falls they look around after getting to look for feedback
if people freak out, then the baby cries
if people laugh, the baby laughs as well
ex of not emotionally mirroring bad example: when children are upset and hurt and the parent does not give care then they do not know how to feel
It is common for men to be socialed into being anxious-avoidant because they are taught at a young age to to not express emotions. Then the boys' ability to learn internal emotional state is handicaped because the feed back they rely on for emotional reflection is to not show emotion. This often gets taught and passed down from fathers through generations and leads to ignorance to emotions. This ignorance then prevents people from seeing that certain things causes emotions to flare up. And from childhood teachings to not have emotions, we feel like there is shame and guilt for feeling those emotions.
People learn to have anxious-avoidant attachment when they are raised with little to no responses of care/affection when we are in need.
People learn to have anxious-ambivalent attachment when they are raised with inconsistent care/affection when we are in need.
Understand that we were in the early stages in our lives and that is when we discover our emotions through emotionally mirroring the adults around us. It is not our fault and its okay to have a certain attachment.
What do we do? According to Current Opinion in Psychology
Your early attachment style is determined by socialization i.e. parental influence. But as you grow up, socialization matters less and interpersonal enviroments matter more. Foundations are not fate, so you can be active in shaping your interpersonal environment to change your attachment trajectory. Fixing your attachment style is not about figuring out your emotions. Rather its about awarenesss, acknowledgement, and affirmation from others of emotional needs. It is not about emotional correction because you have already tried that through emotional distancing and supression. Its about fulfilling the emotional mirroring need that was neglected in the past.
about awareness, acknowledgement of emotional needs, and sharing those needs with someone. they just need to mirror it back. the partner do not have to even meet those needs
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First of all, understand what you really feel about this person, because its possible to be really good friends with someone and not be physically attracted to them, but not have a romantic component. We see that in platonic relationships all the time. Check if you are actually in love with this person.
Have a conversation with them. Say, “Hey, I care about you a lot as a friend and I find myself being attracted to you as well. Maybe there’s a chance for a relationship here, but at the same time, I also value your friendship and I don’t want to risk that.” Then follow that up with an open-ended question: “What do you think about that?”
Enroll them in your decision-making process, because we run into trouble in relationships when one person makes all the decisions. A solid foundation for a relationship is communication. Sit down and talk about whether you want to try the relationship or not. Recognize that you might be afraid of rejection, and notice that.
Sometimes we have these experiences in life that hurt. They can be very dehumanizing. At the same time, we may look at other people and see them being treated with value. That difference in treatment hurts so much that our mind has to come up with a reason for why people have treated us that way.
The idea that we’re not worth it is so painful in and of itself that we have to rationalize, justify, or excuse the behaviour of the person who wronged us. By giving that other person an excuse, we protect our own sense of value. However, that becomes maladaptive very quickly.
Eventualy, we start giving people excuses for mistreating us, because if we give them an excuse. We start to create these solutions where we protect ourselves from what other people do to us by giving them an excuse. That is dangerous, because at the end of the day nobody is doing anything wrong, and you are still getting hurt.
If you’re getting hurt, and nobody is to blame, then what do you do with that?
That’s when you end up stuck interpersonally with other people. It leads to trust issues and propagates unhealthy relationships because you’re not willing to blame the people who are responsible. Moreover, when you give them that excuse, you take away the capacity to forgive. You take away the capacity to move on from yourself, because if they didn’t do anything wrong, then what can you forgive?
You get stuck in this limbo where there is pain that you sort of defend against, but you hold nobody responsible. Therefore, you cannot forgive them because they did not do anything wrong. As a result, you end up stuck.
This especially happens with people in your life that you love because the more that you love them, the harder it is to accept that they did something hurtful to you. That hurts way more. The more you love them, the more you make excuses for them, the more it isn’t their fault. And if it isn’t their fault, then there is no need to forgive.
Except… they did hurt you, and you did get hurt. Another week goes by and they do it again. Overtime your hurt builds up.
It’s devastating because part of the reason you get stuck is that you cannot forgive. The solution is to accept and forgive, but you cannot do that as long as you deny that there is a problem. The reason you deny that there is a problem is that it hurts to admit that there is a problem.
In a bizarre way, if you want to start moving forward and forgive people, you have to start with blame. Start by holding other people responsible for what they do. Start by holding yourself responsible for what you do.
Then comes the hard part, because we’re actually really good at holding ourselves responsible and beating ourselves up. So when it comes to yourself, you need to do that second piece i.e forgive.
Assign responsibility, accept it, forgive, and that’s when you can be free. That’s when your relationships can get better. But you have to start by calling it what it is.
The things that we do to protect ourselves from hurt are the things that sign us up for more hurt down the line.
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Narcissitic Parents are not the same as entitled parents, and too often we confuse one with the other. Understand that Narcissists have a fragile internal sense of self and therefore need to maintain an outworldly sense of self to make them feel better. Entitled parents on the otherhand focus more on control and rights as parents. Therefore, they do not respect boundaries, autonomy and freedom.
To manage and interact with entitled parents effectively, acknowledge that you will be filled with anger and frustration that pushes you to argue with them, try to understand your parents, and begin to question their parental system of operation.
How to question and get your parents to acknowledge their parenting?
Disclaimer: this will be very hard because you need to accept and greive that your parents will not say what you want them to say and you will be disappointed from their reaction.
example discussion
you say you will do anything except for the one you will not respect
what is your understand of how happy I am? do you understand to be quite controlling?
I understand but it seems like our resltionahips is one sided and you determine the nature of the relationship
I do not want that person in my kids life
no you will see them but you will not be a big part of their life
Handle toxic parents - acceptance/forgiveness and boundaries
THIS IS A SCRIPT. YOU NEED TO LEVEL 100 and years of experience. be patient with yourself and work on these things slowly. there is also missing power dynamics*
ex: "I only see you during christmas? why?"
"what is your understanding of why i come once a year"
"you don't love me"
"this is all about you, but have you thought about me?"
"Tell me what to do?"
"Well, think about what my needs are?"
being human sometimes sucks and it's not your choice to what hand you are dealt. You can be born into families or environments that are not the best for you and damages you.
You are not stupid for trying to make some semblance of connection or communiction because that is your dharma as a child to a parent
However, doing your dharma does not mean that you need to keep puting effort forever. it means doing the best that you can and if efforts are pushed away then you move on
they try to make you feel guilty but it is up for you to take it or not take it because they were given plenty chances before
it was not your choice to have a bad childhood
and yet taking steps to change your present circumstance is karma
dharma is doing your duty and doing no more
"a doctor that goes the extra mile for a patient has gone a mile too far"
the patient has a responsibility as well
you can't control what happens to you, you can control is what you do about it
you are entitled for your actions not the consequences of your actions
ex: you can self hard and try to forget the pain or move on and try to take care of yourself
both are valid but one sows the seeds for the future
It is very normal and natural to be appreciated and respected by people, especially our parents, so it is hard.
so do not immediately separate from your parents, make a solid effort to reach out but do not do much more
you can not control the pain and there are days you give in but be forgiving and no matter how many times you lost it does not mean you can't start today
What can you do today?
UNDER CONSTRUCTION
Most suffering comes from the expectations that people set for themselves. These expectations are based on emotions such as guilt, shame, and fear, which prevent people from thinking clearly. Yet, even though they understand this, people do not question the conclusions they arrive at using those emotions.
For example, people have moral compasses that tell them what to do, but emotions such as guilt, shame, and fear cloud their judgment.
If something happens to a family or friend, people expect that it is their responsibility to make sure that their loved one feels better. However, this is incorrect, because they have not considered whether they are the best person to aid their loved one. It is their guilt of not helping that has clouded their judgment.
One of the most difficult things for people to realize is that they are not always the best person to help out their loved ones. Although it is hard to hear, love is never enough. You can love someone as much as you want to but that does not mean that you can help them.
When Dr. K works with patients who have addictions, teaching this to the parents is the hardest thing to do. The parents who end up doing well are the ones that realize that their love is not the solution. There are resources, circumstances, and choices to consider, and the patient has to take responsibility for their own wellness.
Do not burn out because of love. Take care of yourself, so that you can take better care of other people around you.
If you are trying to save someone from drowning, it’s easy on the shallow end, but if you are in the deep end, it’s much harder, so first establish a solid foundation.
Although you may not see the effects of your support and love, that does not mean that it does not have any effect. Just because someone you love refused your suggestion does not mean you cannot help them. The most important thing to do in order to help someone is to have them know that you care, love, and support them. Your suggestions are a demonstration of care and love already.
What works even better instead of suggesting something, is asking them what the best way you can help them is.
“I know that X is hard, how can I support you? What can I do to help?” Suggestions can immediately lead to a “no” response, but an open-ended question can lead you and them to better alternatives.
UNDER CONSTRUCTION
Incels are more prevalent/more vocally mentioned amongst men
incels are a psychological belief system
psychologically, your experience becomes incredibly validating. It is nice to be subhuman because you are in a community that understands and accepts you.
you still have a chance and people that do not have a chance stopped trying
the core of it is self esteem, and the feeling of subhuman affects other aspects of your life and how you engage in relationships
incels believe that finding a partner removes cures them from being incels but there are still people that feel like incels despite having partners
curing being an incel is not an outward change but rather an inward change
it's not about how people perceive/treat you but rather how you see yourself
being an incel is an identity that you take on and it is within your power to not have it
but changing it requires a lot of work and tackle to struggle of low self esteem, maybe some time in your child or the feeling of subhuman but it takes on a different clothing
forget about being an incel, forget about relationships, and focus on what chips away at yourself esteem
working on building confidence and spending time with nature
UNDER CONSTRUCTION